every now and then i'll ruminate about the things i could have been or the things i could have done; maximizing my potential as a musician and an actor. i was a very hyper kid growing up and sometimes you'll get to experience that in me when i'm in a good mood. i was always one of the loudest, and always the one that would make you laugh at the expense of making an ass of myself.

because i was the class clown, i made frequent and consistent trips to the principal's office. there wasn't much outside of my range and i got in trouble for just about anything. if it made someone smile, i was doing it, and i was crossing the line to make that person choke up with laughter.

when i grew older i turned a lot of that energy into something positive. i started playing instruments in our school bands, and i was one of the best our school had. i always managed some of the highest scores on tests and danced around first and second chairs for any instrument i played like the baritone or the trombone. i made it into the honor band twice but the second time was canceled due to terrorist attacks within the country i lived in.

i learned to play the drums a little as well. when i wasn't playing instruments i was acting. i tried out for one of the drama productions and became a second-in-line, an understudy for a lead role in a mystery play. i showed up more often than the actual lead and at one point i really wowed the director and the other actors. there was something in me that kind of snapped open, i could express emotion without crossing the line and overacting (like plenty of young actors do) but still convey messages succinctly. a lot of people thought i was a good actor. acting for me became very easy because it harnessed one of my biggest weaknesses: my over-bearing sense of self-awareness. i've always been a very self-conscious person, always very introspective and very deep-thinking. acting was a way of coping with that and exploiting that weakness for something positive.

four years after high school and i feel like i've let myself down. i was happiest in my life when i was acting or performing for people in almost any kind of medium (i love giving speeches as well and i won a runner-up position in our rookie speech tournament here at CSU chico in the impromptu category). i feel like now that i am not performing, i'm simply not as happy a person, nor am i really using what that talent that i had (or still have?).

i still play the drums and the guitar every so often but i think i work best with a brass instrument in my hands. i don't act anymore, at least not for plays, but sometimes i will for people who don't know me. being able to control how someone perceives you is a very interesting and powerful thing. i'm sure i've managed to convince most people who meet me for the first time that i'm not a very smart person, that there really is not much more to me than what you see on the surface when i show them.

which leads me to my next point...i guess i'm really proud of the fact that i have a lot of depth. my really good friends are the ones that also have a lot of depth to them.

that is all.